Diary

This morning cool was all that was blowing in my life, I feel healing, blowin' cool outside today!

Blowin' Cool

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"I get this feelin', it's such an itch, itch,itch" I feel like my life is changing, this day is brand new, hope is slipin' by like sand now, feelin' and blowin' cool. Like, I would woke up early, watched my brother playing, my family came over and greet us, felt good. Later I'd play COD 2. Maybe I'll go skate later a while, and if not, I will play my new game, Tony hawks pro skater 2! Brand new coolin'! :'D Hell yeah!

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Im mad at the world, no, at the life i am mad at Bullshit, bullshit, life is bullshit This is bullshit Life is bullshit

I dont have a bass to play with, but i do have a heart to sing with

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Like
I am feeling a lot of pain lately that I am running out of it. Like, there is that feeling that suddenly streaks your heart when your finally being a little bit happy.

Running out of pain

Home and the internet are the only places where I can be a little bit happy :D
In school I suck, being smart stopped being fun and cool a long while ago, now it sucks. You cant get much off being smart these days anymore. Everyone expects you to get everything right, Im tired of that.
I just wanna be happi :D

Sometimes

Lol
I wanna get into homeschool so bad and be a little more happy but im kinda scared of it. I dont want it to end up badly
I just wanna be happy.......
OMG
One of my fucking dreams has come true. I talked to my parents and theyre finally gonna get me to a counselor thats gonna diagnose me. Im so fucking happy :)

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Yesterday, was I think the happiest day of my week. I woke up happily early and later I'd be receiving my Xbox 360, but theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen I tried to download my xbox live account into it and it wont let me.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

Because Microsoft :3 (I hate it), is doing the same bullshit as with Windows, they want us the move to Windows 11, have Recall (which is bullshit) and leave Windows 10. They want us to buy new PCs we cant afford so that we can have "The new and best OS by Microsoft. They want us to buy the new Xbox and leave the old ones >:(

Then I cant have my xbox live account and gamertag in my xbox 360. All because of MICROSOFT >:(

I HATE YOU MICROSOFT :3

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I wanna kill myself

I can't do this anymore, the pain comes back again and again, over and over. I see no end to this, it feels, it hurts all stored in the heart.

Nightmares come and knock my mind, I'm broken.It just hurts a lot seeing how everyone has a head start and you're left alone and behind. The pain blinds me and I learned that no matter what, I will end up alone. I don't get anyone by my side, and when I do, they left me for death....

"So you got a head start and you left me here for death"

I can't, I'm just blocked and stuck, can't go on. Since I was born people ignore me. Why being smart if everyone is gonna look bad at you when you get anything right? Being smart sucks, everyone expects you to get everything right, and when you don't they look bad at you.

My life is like a roller coaster, I can be up and suddenly down, I am tired of that. Hurts....that all I can possible imagine are nothing that fairy tails that won't ever be real. Life is a lie. Maybe in other life I can get what I want, be "popular" and have a lot of friends, that making friends is not hard, maybe in other life I can be happy with no need of giving it my all as I always do.....
"Everything as I say turns to dust and fade away, this will last forever......"

Wake up now, just tell me it's okay to die.

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My goal in life

I currently don't know what my goal in life is, I just have the idea. I am purposeless right now.

The only thing I know is that I wanna be happy, that is what matters. You could have everything in the world but be unhappy. You could have nothing in the world and be the happiest person in the world.That's why I wanna focuse on what will and makes me happy.

I wanna be a programmer, have a wife, have kids, all this living in the UK. And dedicate half of my life to the lord who has always been there for me.

My mom told me an example "Okay, you already know what you want in life, but, how do you get to the window?". This is where I have to wonder how and what I have to do to achieve this goals and what is not neccesary to do to achieve this goals.

To be a programmer I have to study a lot about programming. To have a wife and kids I have to be more social to people so I can get to know people and know her. To live in the UK I need to make a plan to move there and have money and a job to be able to do it. To dedicate half of my life to the lord, I have to, at some point, get closer to him.

Having all this pointed out, I kinda know what I have to do. In order to complete my pursuing of happiness, I have to fullfilll these goals I have in life and be as happiest as possible along the way. Be myself with no fearing of judgement and be the happiest!

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OMG you guys

I got a new mp3 player

It came from Japan, it's full in japanese, not language changing. I think I will have to learn some japanese

omgggggggggggggggg

im so happy, the package came in japanese and all, from Osakaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

they seller even left me a note and an origamiiiiiiiiiiii

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

in japaneseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

im happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

muy felizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

after a year with the same mp3 player, i think i deserve it, too much working hours for it1

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So, yesterday I went to the doctor, they told me I will have to go to the psychiatric

Then I would argue with my parents about the situation. They told me that they will absolutely support me, which is nice.

Then I dont know what happened but i told them that i didnt wanna go to the school anymore, because i wanna focuse my future on programming. They basically told me "Go to fuck"

They told me that if i "dropped out" from school, theyd kick me out of the house LOL
I dont know what to say or do, my life is fucked up, my mind is fucked up
I feel paralyzed

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I wish I didnt feel paralized.....

My mom  just let me pierce my ear like I wanted. She even was the one who pierced it. She told me she did it because she wants to look im happy, very nice from her. My dad didnt like the idea, i didnt get grounded because my mom let me but he did get upset with me. I dont even know what I want in life anymore.

Last resort = Suicide.

Anyway, they are gonna make an appointment with the psychiatric so I can heal and feel better. This is fucking me up so bad

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I would really like someone by my side in this situation, someone who helps me heal.

A friend, So if anyone is out there, be my friend!

And please, if you're gonna be my friend, dont fuck me up and go and abandon me like they all do, that feels so bad and fucked up, Be my friend, help me heal, dont go, stay with me

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What I need in life: happiness

How to get happiness? By doing the things I like and love, feeling enough and achieving my goals in life

I don't think school is helping me achieving my goals in life. Every time I come to school I'm living an illusion, I imagine having a lot of friends, being popular, being kind to people, good grades and getting along with my teachers. Things that are not happening and don't think will happen.

My whole life since I remember has been focused on getting good grade due to my goals in life were different back then (getting diplomas and preparing for college to be "happy"). On my 7th grade, I'd focuse a lot on getting good grades that I completely forgot about me, I'd even forget what my hobbies were.

I never got along with the teachers, it's been hard to me to get along socially with people outside my home.

Almost since I was born, since kindergarden, I'd be ignore by my entire class. When I was in kindergarden everyone would not talk to me. I only had a "friend" who told me "If you don't play with me what I tell you to, I will not be your friend anymore". When I was in 5th grade and got bullied by my "friends" I had to eat in lunch alone (As I currently do). Now, I don't have any friends, the people who get to be my friends abandon me after a certain time, and now I don't only eat alone in lunch but also starve myself.

I am an antipathic person, I am suicidal, when I don't cut myself off, I think about doing it. I have even considered doing it at school. I just can't stop feeling the way I feel, it's so fucked up, it hurts. And just when I finally get to be a little happier, this streak to the heart comes back again, hurts me and lets me bleeding. It's so much the pain. Since I am 13 years old I have suicidal and killing thoughts, it's hard to deal with them.

This was just a short text of me talking about myself a bit. I will post more about me so you can get to know me a bit more everyday.

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After a day of horror, I am stronger again. I can't explain what happen in the past but I can explain the relief that I feel in the present.

With this letter I wanna thank you for the strength you've given me.

The tears are a perfect example of how thousands of feelings and memories can be stored in just one drop of water. This reminds me of the harry potter scene where they'd take tears to a magic water that shows you the content of the tears.

Said this, next time that you see me cry and brake down in front of you, I won't blame you when you are mocking me or laughing at me, it's normal, we can't see other's memories and feelings at first sight. The closest thing to this would be empathy, a connection among people that makes us feel the same as each other.

I wish I could share you what I feel and think without saying a word, that's why next time you feel my kissing, huging or you simply see me showing love, don't think it's an act of lust or something to feel afraid of, think of it as a way of me showing my tireness of this life. My way of searching for strenght on someone by loving them.

-A.M.V.B (Jeriko)

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I heard this words on a song, those words cant get out from my head

"Her heart waits for me, will or will not let her down?"

"Well I said, lose the girl.......You should lose the girl"

"Because nothing, you do, seems right"

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On Friday, the English teacher talked about a poem that was called "Wear the Mask", it talks about how we hide our true selves to survive.I know "Survive" sounds very dramatic for something "simple" as talking about ourselves, but there is the thing, talking about ourselves is not an easy thing.

Taking back the purpose of wearing the mask (survaving), I wonder, What are we surviving from?

We are survaving from judgement, rejecting and what the people say is right.

I think that fits me right, I always try to hide my true self; when I try to laugh of something funny, I hide my laughing from everyone because I think they will think I am crazy or I don't know.

In my house and school I am two very different people. In the school I am very reserved, I don't talk to anyone, don't interact with anyone, I hide who I am, my mouth goes even dry and numb because of not talking for long terms. On the other side, in my house, I am very opened, I feel confident to my family, I am very extrovert; I jump, laugh, talk, etc. Stuff that I don't do at school for fearing.

I always avoid changing because I am scared of what could happen if I get opened to the people. Maybe they will embrace me, love me, I might even get along the whole school!. Or I could get rejected, hated, and not even the teachers will wanna see me.

I always say "I'd rather die and what drops on my criscket is tears than what drops on it are spits"

So, I would rather stay quiet and don't say or do anything and stay the same as always than take the chance. But there is the problem, I don't ever take the chance to see what truly happens, instead, I stay in my comfort zone, complaining about my situation and wishing dying.

I thought this was a problem I've been carrying since I was 13, but no. I remember things from my childhood that fit exactly with what I do and live currently. Like that time I was talking with "My best friend" from the elementary school and I told him why were we talking, he said because that was what chatting was. I felt bored from that and wanted to be alone as always. Eventually, they all rejected me and let me alone as I wanted, just to find out that wasn't what I wanted.

Since I am in kindergarden I get rejected by people at school. I remember that nobody in the classroom would wanna be my friend or even talk to me, and the only person that would talk me was a fake friend that threatened me to not be my friend if we didn't play what he wanted. I always have had problems like those where I get along people and they change me, leave me, and don't ever talk to me.

Last school year I gave it a try, I tried to make friends and got rejected once more. My dad says it takes so many times to make one friend. It is hard, but I think it is worth it. I always wanted a best friend I could tell "See you tomorrow at school!" and talk about all my stuff. I think I'll give it one last breathe. I will try to make friends once more and open to the people once more and for the first time as I ever did. I also will promise that if I ever get a friend on this attempt, I will not treat them like trash like I kinda did before. I will be the kindest to people.

"You gotta give to receive"

For people to treat you well and love you, you gotta give them something in exchange, is a rule of life, even with family. For your parents to love you a lot, you had to be their kid and give them the happiness of be born. For a girlfriend to love you back, you have to love her, protect her and truly tell her how much you love her. So that they cry on your crisket instead of spiting on it if you ever get to die.

I promise this time'll be different, I promise this school year and the next last one will be the best school years I will ever and have and had. I will get a lot of friends, at least I'll try. And if I get to fail on my attempt, at least I will be able to tell I tried it and gave it one last breath.