Diary

I think Im falling apart. The other day I encountered my bullies from Sophomore year, I didn't know what to do; they told me to greet them but I didn't really feel like shaking hands with them. Shaking hands means mutual respect between the two persons, I don't think they have respect for me or I do for them.

Today I felt weird in the English class. Like, they said I was "cute" just because I told the teacher "yes" to do something she told me to. That makes me think like the teacher pet

I used to be the teacher's pet, I'd tell them to leave us homework, my classmates hated me because of that and shit. The thing is that I don't wanna be that anymore, it feels like shit, everyone hates you so much that even you hate yourself.

Feeling like "the teacher's pet", like "obedient", makes me feel weird, like I'm weird compared to my other classmates, makes me feel inferior to my other classmates and everyone. I wish I could be equal to them.....I wish I could

---

Sometimes when I watch The Big Bang Theory I feel identified, because I am kind of just like them, like weird. But that gives me hope, because they had a horrible High school (Like not the best moment in your life) just like I'm having one right now.

Personally, High school and school itself has been horrible and terrifying to me, I don't like High school; if it was for me, I would stay at home everyday, no human contact, just me, myself and god like it always has been.

I find nice the love Sheldon and Amy have, that makes me have a crush on Amy. She's really nice to Sheldon and people, even though she has not the best body or face, she is a good person, and that's what seems attractive to me from her.

Like, just look at her, she's beautiful. I love her smile.

---

There are some times when I can't breathe at school, when I feel soffocated in the classroom.

I can't breathe and I feel like there is no escape from that room, I just wanna get out, get out, get out!!!!

---

Today I just finished watching The Big Bang Theory, a serie that I always came to watch after school; and I don't know but I feel kind of weird. It's like that feeling when you finish watching a serie you were watching for a long time and you feel like there is nothing else to watch because in that moment, that serie was your serie, and that's what I think is happening to me.

The Big Bang Theory has given me hope, like, even though they were nerds, that were bullied, quirky, weird and creepy, they got to have friends and be happy. They all got couples, some of them had kids, won prizes and were happy. All that is something that gives me hope, because that show showed me you can be a creepy nerd and still have a happy life, that makes me realize someone like me or them can have a happy life with friends. That gave me hope of having a life that makes me say at the end "Let's do it again"

---

I just don't feel enough, I see other people and feel like what I have, do and think is not enough....enough to feel fine

---

In this moment I feel like dying, we just arrived to the new house, yes, I moved out from my house to a new one. mI feel bad, like, I don't feel enough; my mom says she hates my attitude, basically the way I am; she compares me to the "helpful guy" that help us loading the truck. My mom is always hating me, right now she's saying how much she hates my attitude and the way I am.

I don't know, I just wanna disappear and runaway to the UK, my place. The UK is my place, specifically Scotland, I feel like I'm gonna be happy there, maybe I'll meet someone who I'll fall in love with and live the rest of my life, even have kids with her, thing that I don't think will happen. I'm pratically a loser, even my uncle called me "life low-chooser". Like, I know I'm a great person, I'm really happy and have a great smile, but, I'm just not that social at school, which makes me anti-social and makes me keep it all inside me (And One song Linkin park).

I never had friends and probably won't have them ever, and if I probably won't ever have any friends, I probably never have someone to spend the rest of my life......

I just wanna runaway and look for my own thing, I don't think I have something to stay for in here with my family. My mom told me she probably won't herit me anything, and then they are not the best people with me, so, nothing to stay for. I'm always lonely and probably it'll always be that way, I hope it won't.

I wonder what would happen if I'd be open to people at school. I imagine myself being popular, having a lot of friends, get along with the teachers, having a loving girlfriend, being happy, practically the opposite of what I am right now.
Even if I get to be with someone, they always leave me for some reason, I get a friend I kind of get along with and within the next couple of months they stop talking to me or tell me I did something wrong and leave me confused. "And in my hearth there stirs a quiet pain, for unremembered lads that not again, will turn to midnight with a cry", which practically means in my context something like: "And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain for someone that will not ever come back to me and cry for me".

Me: -Please, please, stay

They: -"I gave you too much opportunities", "You're a creep, I hate what you do"

Me: -What do I do wrong? Programming?

They: -I don't know, I just don't like what you do

If I don't even get along with people, if I am not even able to make and keep friends with me, how am I even supposed to be with someone who loves me?

---

This image reflects the women suffrage, when they didn't have the rights to vote or being independent on their own, when they depended of their husbands, when they didn't have a life. "I rather die than don't live by my own wants".

This image also reflects how men get overwhelmed of all the things they deal with. Marriage is supposed to be a team-up, husbands and wives are supposed to be a team somehow. If they're a team, why don't let her help you John?

I'm on behalf of letting women live and have their own rights and wants; they can't love you if you don't love them back. I would like to have a team, someone who can support me and be supported, someone who loves and is ONLY loved by me, someone of my own, my favorite person, lover and friend who I can always rely on no matter what. If I were you John, I'd let her help me, be in my world and be her world. If you don't want her to help you, I wanna be the world for her John, I really would.

---

I was watching a video titled "Hikikomori", that made me curious and made me research about it. I found out that a "Hikikomori" is how they called people in Japan that are anti-social. They, don't get along with people because they can't, they don't go outside because there is no purpose to be out there, just pain. That's who I am, I don't go outside of my home, there are days that I don't even go out of my house and see the sun. If it wasn't because of the school, I'd be a full-time hikikomori programming all day long.

That's my dream I think, live in the UK in an apartment of my own, work in programming, maybe meet someone and don't ever get outta it. I think I can make it if I put some effort on my programming learning to get some money, yeah, that'd be cool.

Now I say: why go outside? why be with people?
People don't want me, I don't want people, that's how we get along, not seeing each other's faces, works for both. I always end up hurting people and they end up hurting me. Then, why go outside, why get along with people? If when I do, I end up hurting and hurt.

I stopped talking in school, they called me "the quiet kid" the other day. I just nod my head, because, when I speak up, people don't like what I say, that makes me hate myself. Therefore I rather prefer stay quiet, thus, I keep it all in the inside, no one gets hurt, I just contain myself, I'm just scared of exploiting and getting it all out in the wrong way.

That's why I decide to stay in home, I don't go outside and meet or see anyone, I don't get to suffer in any way but they way I live. It's like if they don't exist, like if I didn't exist for them, then I don't think bad and get frustrated and contained. I'm just a turtle inside my own shell.