Diary

I spent the end of last October crying on her shoulder, a shoulder that would make me wear down and feel hopeless (Last October song)

I don't know what I did wrong, wait, I think I know what I did wrong. But that fact is just a blurry sight I will deny.

Last October was pain of attachtment to someone who'd treat me like a puppet, at least that was how I felt like; I thought it was unrequited, just to find out it was a mistake behind a dream, a rotten dream.......

NO RAVE!!!!!!

I'm having a NO RAVE right now, a NO RAVE, a rave but with no people. Only music, me, myself and God dancing.

YO! YO! YO! Check it out!
NO RAVE TONIGHT AT MY ROOOOOMM!!!!!!

My NoRave

Last hit of autumn
Autumn is getting to an end, I haven't stopped feeling like loving you though
My tree lacks leaves, but not just in autumn, but during the whole year too.
Even when it is spring I feel like my tree lacks leaves, like I lack you
I will wait for you so that you can give me the love I lack and make me the best looking tree in sunny spring, so that you can make me look like I have leaves during cold winter.
Just don't take to long because my boughs may fall apart from me in this cold wind and I may wither like such flowers that lack love do in this last hit of autumn

Последний хит осени (Last hit of autumn)

Yesterday I was entering to the English class and suddenly the teacher and everyone told me they liked my outfit, which was nice of them I think, really nice. Also, this week, a guy approached to me asking me what I was coding during the class (I'm failing that class because I do nothing but program in that class), then I told him I was making a To-Do list I programmed myself, then he said that was pretty cool. These two things made me feel like I'm kind of good enough after all.....I think I should feel better with myself.

I told y'all I'd choose between going to the comic-con or going to the concert, well, since it was one of the other, I chose the concert.
Yesterday I met Hawthorne Heights, but I feel like it wasn't enough. What I mean, no, what I feel is that I wanted to tell JT more about what I thought about them, gosh!!, I even forgot to tell 'em my name.

I dunno I just feel like it could've been something more.

Even so, that made me so excited. I think I forgot to tell the band so much because I was so excited on meeting them, excitement got over me.
I literally stayed stood for 2 hours and a half waiting for Hawthorne Heights to come out to the bus parking. My dad wanted to go, so did my mom a little because she was tired, though she supported me more, thanks mom!!!

Anyways, the point is that I met them and they autographed my CDs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm excited again, my throat hurts of so much yelling, screaming and singing at the concert.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent such a good time in the concert. Like, there was four bands that day. The first two bands were like metal and deathmetal, everyone screaming and the dudes from the pit dancing crazy and pushing everyone like crazzzyyyy (I kind of didn't like that LOL). Anyways, the third band was Hawthorne heights, and I didn't see the fourth band because I wasn't interested on seeing them. I went just to see Hawthorne heights play. So, as soon as Hawthorne heights finished playing, my mom and I went to the bus parking where their bus was parked, then we waited the two hours and half till they came out to go off their next concert stop.

There was just me and two more girls waiting for them to come out, it was like 12:00 AM in the morning, so, don't imagine a lot of people waiting there. Anyways, they came out and they were really really nice and kind with us (the girls and me). We hughed and everything. I was so excited for meeting them that I forgot to tell them how fan I was of them, my favorite songs and EVEN MY NAME ugh!! LOL
Mark also gave me his guitar pick he used to play at the concert but I fcking lost it ugh!! I was like sore or something for the fact I lost it. I keep hoping for it to appear somewhere in the house, though I don't think it will because my father and I think I dropped it off my bag by accident in the bus parking lot, so, bummerrrrrr ugh!!

I gave them a list of questions for them to answer about the earlier albums they released as "A Day in the Life", which I love the most. I asked them if they could maybe upload a video on Youtube answering those questions I left them in the sheet, they told me they'd see what they could do (I keep refreshing their YT channel waiting for something new to appear). So if you see a video of them answering questions, that was me who asked those questionssssss
I may later someday release the video I recorded of Hawthorne heights playing at the concert, I may also tell some facts about JT he told us all in the concert to you someday in one of my diaries. I might show y'all some pictures my mom took me of me and Hawthorne heights too.

So, I remember that in 2020, in the quarentine, I was new in Tik tok and such and so I was scrolling and then I saw this video that OMG, my first kiss lol

The point is that there was this video, the type of "Kiss the X". And since I didn't know what they meant by kissing the X, I just kissed the screen where the X was and there was this girl kissing me OMG (OoO),
while there was "SEX" in the background of the video. OMG, I loved it, like, I was freaked out but I liked it, like, the girl was gorgeous, you know??

I can't find the video and I don't think I'll ever watch it again, I hope I do, I'd like to.

XD

Sometimes I'm afraid, sometimes I'm afraid on failing on what I wanna do, on what I wanna do in life, my goals and what I wanna do. Mostly because they tell that without any degree, certification or passing school subjects you will fail in life and end up badly in life. But no, fuck 'em!!
This is my life, and I will decide what to do with it. I wanna live, I wanna live, live not fail, I won't fail. My passion is more worth than any other paper!!!!

I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy,I will be happy.

I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine,I will be fine.

This feeling is there, this feeling that harrasses me every day. A vibe I feed myself with, I like it, I want it to stay, to embrace me and don't leave me, stay, stay, don't leave, I'm fine. I will do it all for it, all for her, all for the illusion of living a dream that hasn't become true.
All my life, most of my dreams get rotten and unfulfilled, I'm tired of it. I will change it, I wanna live my dreams, my illusions.
I wanna live with her, even if she is not in my life yet, I will find her, and live happy, live feeling fulfilled, leaving in peace.

If you are reading this reader, thanks!

I know is a cliche, but, it feels real.
When she talked to me, it was sudden, it was real. She approached to me all of the sudden, I seemed cool for her, I seemed interesting for her. She said "Oh! look at him, he's like...".
What I thought could be not possible is possible I think.
I've decided it, she has to be my girlfriend, she has to be mine, I wanna be with her, I want her to be my love. I don't know if it is all in my head, but, I feel like I want her.
I wanna put aside all my bullshit; I can't keep starving all the mornings and being the way I am, I have to change that, for her and for myself.

I wanna embrace someone, I wanna love someone the way I feel to. I wanna be embraced with her love and comprehension, I wanna be embraced in her arms and embrace her in mine. Kiss her lips, and give my world to her so she can feel the way I feel like. I want her.

She approached to me and talk to me, start asking me questions all of the sudden, made me nervous, I don't know. Next day she asks me if she looked pretty to me, I don't know what to tell her, if I tell her she does, she could turn me down because she doesn't like me, but she could also like me and accept that as a compliment from me.
I'm afraid of her turning me down, looking at me as if I were a creep and leaving me feeling as a piece of shit like they always do to me, I don't wanna feel like that anymore. That's why I'm afraid. But I'm also tired of the same situation in which I am. I wanna change that, my situation, from dreaming dreams to living dreams. I wanna be with her, I want her to wanna be with me too.

I don't know, I'm just catching feelings for someone who's maybe only inside my head,,,,Please, be real, be mine.